Queen of the Cat People

Yay, so my DragonCon room is settled, barring sudden disasters. And all my roommates want to do the Steampunk'd Babylon 5 cosplay idea with me, so I've finally started working on that costume. And I think I'll work on *just* that one before DCon.

( Sewing stuffCollapse )

Between researching for my survival at DCon and chucking a large portion of my makeup collection, I've been on an anti-gluten anxious rampage for a few days. ( Ebil, ebil glutenCollapse )

Sadly, Ima back to normal brain fog levels today. Not sure why. Maybe the starchy carbs aren't working anymore, maybe its the suddenly-storm weather going on in NYC today and tomorrow. Or b/c I accidentally got shampoo in my mouth last night, cuz I ain't perfect.

I also had hummus on Friday and Saturday, for the first time since ... September? Are chickpeas giving me hangovers now? Ugh, I hope not.

Today is begrudgingly my 2 year anniversary of "Noticing I Might Have CFS" so... um... yay? Also, I think it was early July that I had the migraine from hell that got my old doctor to send me for an MRI. Fun.

I think it was June of 2012 where I freaked out on how horrible I felt overall, and finally exclaimed 'FINE SEND IN THE FAITH HEALERS WAAAARGH.' Instead I got into acupuncture, and the needler, and then my new doctor, both recommended I try the (badly named) Paleo Diet to see if I had any food sensitivities. Which I did. And I started to feel better, tho in stops and starts, until I crashed again around January. More stops and starts, and I'm mostly sure that today I'm better than I was last June, so that's good. I'm not great, but I'm better than I was.

( Weight & Body ImageCollapse )

Tho also b/c of that discussion online and in my head, I realized I had weeks of food tracking data written down in my notepad that I could plug into an online calorie counter to see what's up. I've been tracking food by weight, more for financial than health reasons, b/c of wanting to try and stay on a grocery budget. And also in case individual foods cause weird flareups/reactions. And to see what happened. Counting calories is just too abstract for me, and requires too much work to track and count everything via internets. For weight I just use my kitchen scale.

It looks like I've been bobbing around 1800 calories per day pretty steadily, usually with 2-2.25 lbs per day. A bit low on carbs, but fat and protein in normie ranges, and the low side of normal for fiber (but too much of that messes me up in unhappy ways). On the other hand, that was just last week, when I was reintroducing starchy corn chips. Will work on earlier data later.

Am still unsure of what was going on with last week's energy spike. If it was the starchy carbs, will that help me indefinitely, or just for a little while before I crash out again? Am I just re-contributing to a chronic/adrenal fatigue relapse? Maybe I just need something a bit easier to digest, and thus 'processed', b/c I'm still healing off years of gluten/dairy abuse on my insides, and 5oz of rice at lunch + 1oz ricecakes at dinner wasn't enough.


I think I might also take a break from acupuncture in July, just to see what happens. I felt better last week (maybe?) without a needle appointment, and I continued to feel awful from winter thru spring with regular appointments. If I hit another "OH DEAR GODS HELP ME" point I can always call them and make the earliest available appointment, having learned my lesson.

<3 Chrysilla

Crossposted from Dreamwidth, http://chrysilla.dreamwidth.org/

Since Tuesday I've been dealing with a weird problem. An older woman keeps calling my landline and yelling at her son on my answering machine for not calling her back.

( A special kind of stupidCollapse )

And after four days of feeling suprisingly really good this week, full of getting things done and talking to ppl I actually like, today I'm a brain fried wreck. B/c some stupid, thoughtless, senile old woman decided to call a number she knew was wrong three days ago at 1am in the morning. And not for any kind of emergency either, just to bother her kid at a time when he would also probably be sleeping.


It is bringing up things that don't work in my head, so that's interesting. I can't stand stupid moms, people that don't listen to me, people who make me suffer via their own selfishness or stupidity, or senseless intrusions into my privacy (phone roach?). However, given my chosen profession I should really work on getting over these issues. Or its ulcers forever.

I'm also really unhappy that *one* sleep interruption, relatively early in my sleep cycle, can completely f#$% me the next day. Even if I get back to sleep (eventually, I was really pissed). After four days of increased energy and decreased brainfog. I really don't want to be this sensitive.

On the other hand, now I know that while I do want to be more social this summer, I should NOT sacrifice my sleep for it. Because it will f#$% me up real good and leave me unable to function later, even if I only lose a tiny bit. Time to start applying my budget skills to my time, if I ever have enough energy for socializing again. Right now it doesn't feel like it :-P

<3 Chrysilla

Crossposted from Dreamwidth, http://chrysilla.dreamwidth.org/

I've felt strangely not-awful this week. Despite the cleaning binge & all the rains (tho there have been migraine teases, I have meds for that), I am still a functional person, and my energy levels seem to be going up a bit.

So I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out why, hoping its not a random phenomenon:
( Why so awake?Collapse )

My tummy is still grouchy, but I'm learning how to deal with the new weirdness. But my skin is also breaking out more this week. And when the CF started gaining traction in my life, my skin became abnormally clear for me. That indicated that my problem might be hormonal, which indicated that it might be my thyroid, but common medical industry practice is "F#$% your problems if they don't show up on our tests the way we say they're s'posed to." So while my thyroid looks inflamed on an ultrasound, my blood tests are in the 'normal' rage, so f#$% me.

And wasn't I super sleepy for the last two weeks? And now I'm more awake than usual. Hmph. Body, you need a better manner of communication. "Owch" and "Zzzzz" just aren't enough.



Thanx to newfound energy and a bit more focus, I'm working on my usual summer backlog at work, and finally remembered to order my plane tix for Dragoncon. And I'm making a more focused effort to find roommates, that involves me *writing down* interested parties and details in case my brain shuts down again.

But DCon in two+ months isn't enough for me, I wanna be geeking out nooooow. So I'm looking into geeky meetups in NYC. ( Looking For GroupCollapse )

That's odd now that I think about it. My brain has a few extra spoons to work with, and its all RESEARCH CONS instead of WRITE SCRIPTS. Will mull this over. I still haven't had a moment to sit down and mull/meditate over the Sedonia stuff in the privacy of my own home, b/c things. Maybe I'll finally get that together tonite. And more thinking on whether or not I'll remain a hermit, but the lack of social offerings in NYC that don't start *after* my bedtime in far off boroughs may keep that a slow gradual process.

Lol, yesterday I had more spoons, but was teetering into a bad mood (b/c reasons), and suddenly remembered that I could text a local Village-centric friend to see if they wanted to hang out after work. And we did! And had Bareburger, on LaGuardia but I just made sure not to order a (cricket) salad with my burger. Good idea, considering the rest of the week will be rained out. And still got home after hanging out/dinner with more than enough time to fold excess laundry and get ready for bed. And falling asleep was a bit harder again due to "OMG AWAKE" but otherwise I slept OK.

( And weird dreams happenedCollapse )

This weekend is Dad's Day, and I was waiting for a verdict on that before making other plans. And the fam wants to come into Queens for Bareburger on Sunday, so I have time for more stuff aside from chores. That could be cutting fabric for the DCon costume, or more weird baking experiments, haven't decided yet. Oh, and some extra cleaning tasks that didn't work out last week for one reason or another.

I'm going to try limiting my sewing habit to 3 hours per weekend, and hopefully I'll get the B5 dress done by LDW without burning myself out. But that will include a mockup/muslin of the jacket part. Will see how this works out. There are some other light-costuming bits I'd like to finish from the project bin, but I'm not entirely sure I have places to wear them yet. *shrugs*

<3 Chrysilla

Crossposted from Dreamwidth, http://chrysilla.dreamwidth.org/

That was pretty much my weekend. With a dash of socializing, which was nice.

I had a few chores slated for the weekend, but at some point (Saturday?) I suddenly decided my longer to-do list of things just needed to get done already. Like a debt snowball in my brain, tasks that seemed complicated or carried emotional baggage/anxiety were taking up a lot of space and energy in mah brain, and I would not be free until they went away. So my accomplishments list is a bit crazier this week.

( Accomplishments!Collapse )

Even with the stuff I didn't complete, I've done a LOT of unf#$%ing of my space since MDW. And now there's room on top of the fridge for more kitchen gizmos. Yay/ohnoes!


For all the work I did this weekend, and OMG my back hurt by Sunday night, and I still had to finish the dishes and laundry, I do not feel like a wreck today. ( Health, post unF***ingCollapse )

That was nice tho, having ppl come over to visit me. Tho one kept getting bothered by my balcony curtain. I am still not sure about the hermit thing, but at least my home is more comfy for visitors.

Speaking of hermitting, this week's tarot forecast is ... dramatic on the subject:

( TAROT!Collapse )

This weeks plans ... don't really have anything specific yet. May work on some of the bits of housework I didn't get to over the weekend. Or just relax and do the Sedonia work I didn't get around to over the weekend. Hopefully the move to clean came out of my emotional unpacking, and wasn't a resistance-ploy to keep me from working on it further, which I had planned to do last weekend. Not sure how comfy it will be to hang out in WSP given all the rain that might happen. Also not sure what's going on for Dad's Day this year. Hopefully no energy crashes.

Crossposted from Dreamwidth, http://chrysilla.dreamwidth.org/

My goodness, I feel like I have enough energy for a brief (I hopes) shopping trip tonite. OMG.

Was going to shop Wednesday, but being without after-work noms I wasn't sure I'd make it. So I picked up a bag of potato chips (and a Kind Bar I couldn't eat, b/c I make bad decisions when my blood sugar is low), and sat in the park reading about pagan glamour until I was sure of what I was up for. And I sat there for over an hour, and that's what I was up for, and then I went home. It was really nice tho. An after work habit I would like to partake in more often :-) Which means either developing dinner-boxes, or a rich after work snack that can tide me over until its time to go home.

Also, yay sexxy new boots, but booo having to break them in. I'm starting to wonder if I have the energy to do that much walking. Whups.


Realized last night that while I've been more tired and sleepy overall lately, I'm also less anxious overall. Except for the bug incursion, of course, but then I also recovered from that in record time. So tentative yay. Tho last night I jerked awake a few times (SUGAR! AAARGH!), I *don't* feel like I haven't slept at all today. And of course, now that I'm comfy with my new wake-up schedule, I have to wake up an hour early tomorrow for my allergy shot. *shrugs*

( So... is THIS what detox feels like?Collapse )

Also this week, more confirmation that refined sugars, not just chocolate, are bad for me before bedtime. B/c they add to the "Hey its bedtime, lets wake up and do stuff!" pattern that I can sometimes get around, but would rather just not deal with at all. I also think I may be crashed out on Monday & Tuesday *also* b/c of my store-bought meringues habit on the weekend. Only for the last couple of weeks, but I hope that means I can fix it as quickly.


Since I'm trying to cut back on sugar, I'm also slowly succumbing to the desire for ice cream. ( The siren song of sweet nomsCollapse )

Tonite's shopping trip will be to Home Depot (after eating a Kind Bar that *won't* hurt me), to get stuff for the balcony and bathroom fixing-up. I realized that with all the Greek & Egyptian styled pretend artifacts I have for the space already, I can just stick with that theme. So light colors and subtle patterns. If I repaint the non-folding table I'll probably just redo the white. And that will make plants stand out if I ever have a garden out there again.

Still looking for an "acrylic" medium to seal the "hydrostone" pieces I got at NYRF, but I have some contacts to follow up with that. The vendor doesn't have a website, of course. Blah. But the main goal is to put up the curtain vs. creepy neighbor, the other stuff isn't such a big deal. Will probably get that at my nearby BBB, but I don't want to have to wait for a new one of their coupons.



I'm trying to figure out if all the housework is an overhanging annoyance that really needs to be fixed for the sake of my mental health, or just a distraction from creative projects I used to enjoy b/c of some kind of stage fright (despite the absence of a stage). I guess I feel less horrible since finishing the balcony clean up? But I was feeling more sleepiness at bedtime before that happened. Meh, does not compute yet.

And a new home project is always cropping up, it seems, each time I finish another one. Current list: balcony fixes, bathroom fixes, sweep/wash the inside floors, clean the kitchen (esp top of fridge), and do a makeup purge (yay for soyish and glutenous makeup :-P).



In other news, I think I've done a good job at retooling my wardrobe. It seems like all the things I have for daily wear now make me feel pretteh without too much effort. And putting together my work week outfits in advance is definitely helping me utilize things that I usually forget I have when its 8am. But yah, sitting in WSP with a book and feelin pretteh, that's a nice thing to do when the rest of your day is very zombie-like.



This weekend I'd also like to take some time to just sit with my Sedona book and see what I can do with those techniques when I'm in private. Thus far, I'm always either at work or on the subway. The chapter that didn't make sense on Tuesday was better today, given that I'm still a bit numb but not sleep deprived.

<3 Chrysilla

Crossposted from Dreamwidth, http://chrysilla.dreamwidth.org/

Feeling pretty low energy today, but I haven't slept enough the last couple nights, so *shrugs*. Also still headachey, but I'm not sure if its weather, allergies, extra sugar on the weekends, delayed pms, or wha. Maybe its a combo deal. I can stop buying meringue cookies on the weekends (am already doing better with less chocolate intake) but there's not really any way to fix the other things.

Most of my mind/body is all "Ugh, can we go back to bed now?" But some part of it keeps playing high energy goth club music over and over in my brain, so its kinda uncomfortable and confusing.

Also realized that I haven't been tracking my energy levels on weekends, so should work on that. But I am still getting extra things done around the house, so that's nice.

( Accomplishments!Collapse )

Wondered this weekend if all the house work is a distraction from my creative stuff, a way to fill the void in my life b/c I just don't feel creative, a procrastination technique towards same, or what. In the end, I don't think having a cleaner home will hurt me, so might as well keep working on it.



The junk mail shredding is part of why I was up until 2am on Sunday, instead of 11-12ish as planned. I had to keep waiting for the dumb shredder to wake back up every 10-15 mins. And suddenly it was quite late. Argh. ( Zombie mode pwns Sedonia, whups.Collapse ) Being less emotionally f'ed up overall will definitely add to one's overall spoon supply, and may help a lot with stress-related illnesses not happening so much, but its not an instant fix. And we still all have bad days.


Was going to rethink hermitting this week, when last week went haywire, but I can't really think right now. I'm going to acupuncture tonite, but I'm not sure if I want to go out or stay in for the rest of the week. And 'Can't Stop the Serenity' is Saturday, and was tempting, until I rememberd "O ya, gluten. Meh." So probly not.

This weekend I'm going to try to either make two loaves of banana bread, or one banana and one carrot (experiments, yay?) so I have more easy-to-transport snacky things during the week. So if I feel up to hanging out in the park after work, I don't have to go forage for noms first. Would also like to try the home projects that didn't work out last weekend, including a trip to Home Depot for some stuff.

I got my new boots today, yay! So that is some more incentive to be out of the house tomorrow. Tried them on at work, but I'm wearing the wrong socks and outfit for the new sexxyboots, so will start breaking them in tomorrow.


Also, after defeating the junk mail monster, I'd like to start unloading my big basket of books at the Strand again. Since I kinda forgot that project for ... three months? *sigh* More going outside, was bound to happen eventually. I also need to mail an internet friend all the DW books he claimed in my Discardia photo drive, and deal with all the leftover bottles of alcohol. Those will probably end up in the garbage, b/c ppl don't remember to visit me that often. But we'll see.

<3 Chrysilla

Crossposted from Dreamwidth, http://chrysilla.dreamwidth.org/

Basically all of the other interesting and nice things to come about in the last two days have been overshadowed by waking up this morning to find a big f'ing roach in my front hallway this morning. But b/c the light bulb had gone out yesterday morning, and I hadn't had the energy to fix it last night, I first had to find a flashlight and spray before approaching the ick. I'd also left my boots in the hallway instead of in the closet 2 feet to the left, increasing anxiety, b/c MY BOOTS. After spraying it to death, it took me a half hour to pick it up with large cardboard flats and throw it in a nearby garbage back, then tossed in the garbage room. In the meantime I kept on a steady panic level while getting ready for work, and even put a stepstool *over* the death scene to change the light bulb.

Unfortunately, I wasn't really innured enough with Sedona method, or even far enough along in the book, for it to work that well. ( Extended report of FREAKING THE F#$% OUT.Collapse )

So before that, Wednesday was shaping up as better/more interesting than Tuesday. ( I *was* feeling better :-PCollapse )


And y'know, all this in the wake of my balcony triumph. Remember the good times, lil' anxious Chrysilla...


Still trying to figure out why my anxiety was a lot worse today than it was the last time this exact same thing happened (... I think? dammit brainfog). The Sedonia book sez that when u start releasing emotions, new ones start to pop up that were buried under the others, and stuff can get more intense. Oh F#$% this.

I was considering cutting back on hermitting after this week, but despite possible problems with my chantry now, I really don't feel like I have the energy. Tho b/c this is the first exceptional anxiety attack I've had since I started my energy gauge, I really don't know where I'm at. Everything's a jumble of panic and tired.

And remember when I used to be able to make myself feel better by treating myself to a restaurant dinner for one? Not really possible anymore.

Me = not winning afterall. :-/

<3 Chrysilla


ps, I'm starting to think I should call my "Paleo Diet" template the "1940s Diet" instead. B/c then my inner science geek can stop being so embarrassed.

pps, My neighborhood friend can put me up for the nite if I'm freaking out, but he'll be out for most of the evening. At a restaurant I'm invited to, but I'm not sure I can eat at. So... will succumb to the cleaning-frenzy, see if the Sedona/CBT combo can get me to sleep in my own bed tonite, and if not I'll go sleep on his couch. So that's some yay :-)

Crossposted from Dreamwidth, http://chrysilla.dreamwidth.org/

Today's been... weird. I'm back up to a '2' now, but at the beginning of the day and before lunch I was all the way down to '1' as in "Should I use a sick day? No, not actually symptomatic of anything. *SIGH*" Low energy, high brainfog, and an annoying behind-the-eyes headache (migraine?) all day.

I went to bed at 11pm-ish, and my alarm went off at 7:30am. But at 5am some random noises woke me up for a while. Eventually I got back to sleep, but by 7:30 I was in a very intense kind of dream cycle, so I felt all kinds of f'ed up when the alarm went off. This morning it felt like I hadn't slept at all, except that I think I got about 7 or 8 hours at least. Srsly? I wonder if I'd be feeling better if I'd just gotten up at 5am. Wth, brain? But this doesn't happen when I wake up at 4am and fall right back to sleep. On the other hand, a rainstorm also rolled in today (did I feel it before I could see it? meh, this is not a superpower I want), and I'm definitely in the PMS sector of my calendar. So Ima cross my fingers for sleep tonite and see what happens :-P



And this is all a huge shame, b/c all weekend I was AMAZING at being functional and productive. OMG. ( All the accomplishments!!Collapse )

So after cleaning the balcony on Saturday (OMG YAY) I am still sore four days later. But after reading a blogpost about the wonders of magnesium I had picked up some epsom salts, and figured that achy Sunday nite would be a good time to try them out. My legs and back still hurt but I was more spaced out and happy-fuzzy after. At least I didn't feel worse? I *think* I slept a bit better, but its hard to remember right now. Definitely slept longer on Monday morning than I did on the other days. Srsly, I woke up at 9am on Sunday and couldn't really deal with that fact. I think that's what drove me to the sewing, internal confusion.


Also, my books from Amazon got dropped in the library mailbox Friday afternoon, so I got them this morning. Am trying out a book on the "Sedona Method" for my mental/emotional health. So far its mostly the author talking about how great he & his method are, and I'm having trouble concentrating b/c migraine, so... meh. I'm sure he'll get to something helpful eventually.

( Tarot forecast!Collapse )

Still not sure about when I'm going to ease off on hermitting. Astrological omens seem good for getting back out in the world starting this weekend, but I still feel like I'm missing something. Actually, right now I just feel like I have a migraine, so I guess we'll see how I feel tomorrow. Oooow.

I have figured out many things, but according to my newish energy-gauge my levels have gone down pretty steadily. But I'm getting more stuff done too. I don't get it.

<3 Chrysilla

Crossposted from Dreamwidth, http://chrysilla.dreamwidth.org/

I think Ima make one of those "Care and Feeding of teh Me" posts sometime soon. So whenever someone asks "What/why XYZ with you?" I can just say, look, here's a list already posted to teh internets. Hooray. Like an Unwellness Resume.

Been having some low points this week, of the emotional sort. Then I remembered that this might be PMS week, and they became less pointed, so that's good. But mostly about "What if this *doesn't* have a fix, what if I'm just struggling and spaced out forever?" And ... I don't really have an answer for that right now, so I'm just going to ignore it until I do. Not the healthiest action, but its the only one I have the brain cells for right nao :-P


In more fun (yet still angst-related) news, someone is making a contemporary Jane Eyre vlog series in the style of LBD. ( OMG FEELSCollapse )

Its been trenchcoat & boot weather this week, so that's actually been very pleasant. Also, helped me come to the conclusion that I really need to replace my docs ASAP, b/c I'm tired of worrying about getting trenchfoot from NYC puddles :-P And I realized I can still keep my old Docs, and dress them up for costuming somehow, if I have that much energy ever again. And I think I'm going to risk the Macy's website to get a different style of tall docs than my old pair, b/c I have gift certificates and card-holder discounts (to offset possible future new zipper surgery). And then I'll just have to cross my fingers that they don't screw me over on delivery again.


Health wise, things have been a bit odd this week. ( More tired = Yay?Collapse )

Feeling sleepier at night also means that when I finally got my newly ordered cheap dresses home, I totally forgot to try them on. *sigh* ( Possible sewing adventuresCollapse )

I really, REALLY need to just finish the balcony. C'mon Chrysilla, just suck it up and do it already. Get the things at the home stores, throw out the old stuff, scrub the floor with that nice scrubby broom, put the new stuff outside. The End. You've got a whole extra day to recover from it this weekend. And then one less annoying thing to worry (and blog) about. So hopefully I don't crash out between now and Tuesday.

B/c of the pre-holiday hour off we get in my office, I get to go home at 5pm. Getting me back to my neighborhood 2 hours earlier than usual for a Friday, so all of those nice stores will still be open. Ima try to do all of those things tonight if I can, between home stores and groceries, but at the very least I need to pick up my prescriptions and some noms. Then I can stay in my building all weekend, and just work on household stuff and sleeping.


Is there some way to practice at sleeping until I get better at it? I'm unconscious while its happening, so I've never been able to figure out how.

<3 Chrysilla

Crossposted from Dreamwidth, http://chrysilla.dreamwidth.org/

I feel better today than I have for a few weeks, at least body-wise. Nothing hurts, my tummy is behaving, and I keep accidentally slamming doors and walking too fast. Sadly my brain is still all fogged up. So the four day weekend for birfday did help, tho I wasn't entirely productive during the vacation, but that was kinda the point.

Work was a lot quieter than usual on my 12-2 shift, since its the last day of finals and commencement is tomorrow. But a bunch of cough-ers just showed up this afternoon and its starting to get on my nerves. Oh well, can't win. Tomorrow summer hours start and I get to have the same bedtime for more worknights.


Yay, my birthday happened last weekend! ( Birthday (low key) Fun!Collapse )

I said I'd reevaluate my hermit status around my b'day, and as of now I think I'm going to keep going for a couple more weeks. I've figured a lot of stuff out (diet, anxiety, etc), but I still feel like I'm missing something(s). Other things need to be figured out still. Including things I probably haven't thought of yet. Will reevaluate again around June 1st.

( EvaluationsCollapse )

( And I'm getting over teh food.Collapse )

I've done sho much tarot over the last few weeks that I decided not to do any specifically for my b'day. The Beltane readings covered plenty of 'this oncoming year' stuff. And my brain was a bit foggy, even after such a nice celebration on Sunday. But I still did my weekly forecast:

( Tarot!Collapse )

As for mundane-ness, I think I'm going to try a spicy meatball recipe that didn't go so great a few weeks ago, but instead turn it into a meatloaf this weekend. Meatloafs are better at retaining teh juices. And much less labor-intensive than meat balls :-P

And this weekend might finally be the one where I tackle the balcony. B/c soon it will be too warm outside, and its annoying when the cleaning solution evaporates while I'm trying to scrub. Dad took out the large planter that they'd given me a few seasons ago, so that's one less thing to roll around while trying to clean. And another b'day pressie was a couple of small outdoorsy folding tables from Ikea, which will be very easy to put away for future hurricanes. F'ing hurricanes.

I feel so dumb for not using the balcony for anything since it was screened in, in *September*, but that's chronic fatigue for ya :-P. But I'm pretty sure this lagging project is another source of stress for me, and not one that's nearly as difficult to fix as part of me feels it will be. Also, three day weekend, so extra recuperation time.

<3 Chrysilla

Crossposted from Dreamwidth, http://chrysilla.dreamwidth.org/