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queen's ears

Crawling back outside.

Posted on Feb 24, 2014 at 9:06 pm
Location: work
Mood: 3
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
So that was a very disappointing February. Sheesh.

In the end I had that headcold/sinus thingie until last week, so about four weeks total. So much suck. Probably b/c I kept having to commute to work through all the blizzards that NYC kept getting smacked with, so I never had a chance to fully recover. Eventually I got to my allergist for antibiotics. And then one more big blizzard, and while we ended up closing at 3pm that Thursday it really made me crash out, especially as my coworkers had all called in sick that day. So I felt entirely justified in taking the next day, Friday, off to recuperate and let the antibiotics do their job. Was much better by Tuesday, b/c Monday was a holiday.

By the end of last week I started having a teeny bit more energy again, although the antibiotics were doing extra-drama on my stomach, so I took some otc meds for that and went out with a friend last Friday. Was very fun, full of geekiness and gossip and Chrysilla-friendly burgers.

But overall, very sad to have the good mojo I rekindled at Arisia completely dashed by weeks of illness, sinus infection + antibiotics (at least the cure wasn't worse than the disease).

The only other good thing of note to happen was going to see Coriolanus, part of the National Theater Live broadcast series at the NYU movie theater. Two thumbs up for Hiddles & Haddles, or as their slash name should be, Hiddle-Haddle :-D Overall, very good production.

There's also been more health data and ideas tumbling around in my head, since it kinda shoved its way center and kicked everything else out of my life this month.

Teh Evil Tummy

Got my followup for the endoscopy that somehow gave me a sinus infection (wtf body?) and I finally have a diagnosis of SOMETHING. GERD + mild gastritis. So I'm on a prescription of pepcid to start. Of course, I started a day or two before starting the antibiotics, so I'm not noticing much less stomach problems yet. But no SIBO or candida going on. And my doc had no answer as to "Could GERD cause/add to my IBS?" Today I got a sonogram, to see if my GI tract looks evil from the outside. The tech saw nothing to immediately send me to the ER for, but I've had doctors see more subtle things in sonograms too. But I think we're running out of tests :-/

Not entirely sure about where I want to go with this now. Definitely will see if pepcid helps or keels me. Other than that, not sure I want to try the fiber and probiotics recommended by my GI-doc now, b/c those haven't helped in the past. The digestive enzymes recommended by my PCP are actually one probiotic, one HCL supplement, and another I couldn't find much detail on. I *haven't* tried the pls-keep-cold type of probiotic before, unless yogurt counts, and that sure didn't ever help. Isn't the stomach supposed to kill all the bacteria it can? I'm leaning towards picking up the HCL, as GERD doesn't always mean *acid* anymore, it could be bile salts or other such 'stomach juices' :-P And I'm clearly not absorbing enough nutrients from my food given how many supplements I need now. But still, will try the pepcid for a few more weeks.

There's also the thought that my stomach seems more or less intolerant to all kinds of food at random intervals now. So what if I just tried eating less food? Tho I already told my therapist that I'm worried this is a path towards disordered eating, tho "make the pain stop eeek" may be a different motivation than the typical eating disorder.

I kindof had another anti-food meltdown too. Like in the summer, it was a bout of OMG I HATE FOOD IT TAKES UP SO MUCH TIME AND ENERGY UGH HAAAATE. While I'm a bit concerned about it, it does technically help? Both in the eating-less, and in the budgeting, as the new questions when I buy food will be "Do I have the interest/energy/patience to cook & eat it before it goes bad, or would I rather do something/anything else this weekend?" My slow cooker and I continue to have an excellent relationship, tho.

I've already been shrinking my work lunches, and don't feel extra ravenous after work (unless I'm already planning for an afterwork dinner out on the town, weird), but with the antibiotics I also don't know if that's helping. Will see. It does so far lead me to eat more at night to hit my food-weight quota (calories are too abstract, so I calculate by weight), and then I'm a bit more tummy achy in the mornings. So Ima start eating less in the evenings too and see how goes.

With nothing about SIBO on the endoscopy results, I decided to go back to eating chocolate. B/c its the easiest dessert. However, b/c I've been off it for a while, I was able to reintroduce it in smaller (halved) doses. Definitely for the best, b/c I'm tired of trying to bake extra desserts. Individual baggies of chocolate chips = much easier to deal with.

Teh Sleeps

My sleep got a bit better while on all the cold meds, but now my upstairs neighbors are playing with hammers and stomping around late at night, and I've been having more vivid and stressy dreams again. I'm thinking of going to an audiologist doctor (I think that's who to ask) to get custom earplugs made. Or at least get an estimate for it. I could put in a noise complaint to the co-op board, but then I'd have an open grievance with three of my four neighbors, and... I don't want to be that guy. The foamy earplugs make my ears hurt, and the wax ones seal my ears up and cause a really weird pressure imbalance that can REALLY hurt if I change my altitude. Which is a frequent thing in NYC. So, customs. Maybe. Probably helpful for cons too.

I'm also looking into getting reducer caps for my sleepytime Bpal, so I can drip it into a diffuser for a little while before bed. I need to get back into my epsom salt bath habit too, but that's not so much fun with certain chronic tummy probs. But those seem to be in remission now that the antibiotics are over.

General Fatigue

Its really hard analyzing fatigue when I've also had a sinus infection + extra tummy problems for the whole month. So I'm trying not to despair. I felt a bit of an upswing at the end of last week, and I went out with a friend last Friday, and the last couple of weekends I picked up sewing again. And was able to pace the sewing without making myself crazy.

After hanging out with my friend last week, and feeling happily buzzed in the head but still fatigued in body (so no goth dancing afterwards) and a bit iffy in the tummy, I started the thinks on what energizes me, if not why. Sometimes I'll feel fatigued, and force myself to go out anyway, and feel better. Other times I end up feeling the same or worse. So is it always the same state, or two subtly different states? What is the subtle difference?

Also, there's the metaphor of "the wolf you feed". There was a physical start to the decline of my life, but at this point am I stuck in it b/c its all I focus on? Especially in terms of tummy trouble, tummies are very easy to psych into problems that aren't there. I've been re-reading one of my cognitive behavioral therapy books, and there's a chapter called "Do-Nothingism & how to beat it". Even if depression didn't cause my current state, and I don't really feel *depressed* in the same ways described by my friends who live with it, being "too tired" to go out and see people or do things isolates me, and probably makes me more "too tired". And my therapist agrees that its a bad circular cycle to get stuck in. And I've learned from last year that I *need* social contact to fire up my creative engine.

I didn't feel 100% normal after Friday's fun, but I didn't feel worse. So the new plan is actually to force myself to go do more things (and hope I don't get derailed by another illness :-P). The more times I make myself go out, the more examples I'll have of feel-better and feel-worse situations, so maybe I'll figure out the subtle difference. On the other hand, I'm also trying to just distract myself from my health problems, to see if not thinking about them as much helps me get rid of them. Will have to see if I can strike a balance btw thinking and not-thinking.

So, tldr- GERD and Gastritis, IBS cause unknown, sleep getting bad again, am going to try forcing myself to go out more to see if it makes me feel better. If it makes me feel worse, I can hopefully figure out *why* that is.

In terms of making myself go out more, Arisia + Cam gossip + friend a bit interested in larping is propelling me to try Cam Club again next weekend (as long as I don't get sick again, b/c ugh I've made that mistake before). I asked the Vamp VST for an NPC, b/c I don't feel up to making my own character yet. Besides, I dropped out of Cam before WW deigned to give us the actual larp rules and splat books for Requiem :-P I want to get my feet wet first. I'm a little worried about dealing with drama again, but at least I know the actual drama llamas of my past already turned their noses up at Cam a while ago, b/c they couldn't pull their usual bully tactics there.

As for other things, there's IAF, SFC, and NYRSF. And probably other initialisms I'm forgetting. In a pinch there's an improv theater. There's the free night at the Rubin museum which I keep meaning to try again. I've lost track of the few friends I saw regularly between holidays, con prep, a month of sick, and stuff they were busy with too. But they typically like an occasional evening out with nice food and company, and sometimes BPAL. Tho I might go light on that for a few weeks b/c my sinuses are still a bit mad. I ordered half my Lupers on 2/14, and it seems like there's a 2+ week delay on shipping them out. *sigh*

I've already been bringing my bead kit to work and doing constructive things on my lunchbreak. And started sewing a bit. And, um, bought some more patterns, with plans to buy fabric for two more projects (next month, b/c budget). But I've already managed to not go crazy on it, so that's good. Starting to lean more and more *away* from the giant-costume plan for DCon, and more towards a costume I already have fabric for, and one other that would be less-but-still-expensive that I already have a familiar pattern for. Regency & anime ftw, corsets optional.

As for DCon itself, I already have some tentative roommates! Also decided to pre-reg this year, as last year the new system actually worked, on the last day it was $85. Gonna be $130 at the door, yikes. Yay saved $45. And didn't break the budget b/c of my geek escrow accounts.

And after a weird dream, I woke up remembering an idea I'd had before- go to DCon on Wednesday instead of Thursday to help beat teh fatigue before it starts. I could take extra naps, work out the local food situation, maybe see some GA friends, and then have a full night of sleep before walking over to prereg on Thursday. Then wander around while my friends trickle in. It would mean tacking another $200 onto my room reservation (assuming they'd let me do that, probably). But that's only $28 more per month until August, which I think my budgeting xp would allow. And my therapist seems to think its a good idea, so there's that.

But if I need to spend another $200 on con to make it not traumatic, should I still be going? Its my only big vacation every year, and it is very fun when I haven't worn myself out or suffered an injury :-P It would probably mean I couldn't afford the giant-costume, but I'm already pulling away from that idea (for this year, at least, esp since it doesn't fit the big party's theme). Supposedly air fares are cheaper on Wednesday too, and I wouldn't have to leave stupidly early in the morning to get all-the-things done in Atlanta before con stuff starts. And get an extra rollaway bed before they run out of them.

Maybe I'd finally get to try out the pool in my own hotel O_O. But I don't even own a bathing-suit anymore. Their masseuse service is too expensive tho, I checked on that last year. Could also do touristy things, but I'm not sure what's really around that would interest me and be in-budget. Or just sleep & watch tv, lol.

As for this week, my tarot seems to recommend I escape the brainfog at all costs:

Yay, I can tarot again! Last week was too hazy. Tho still not getting much that's specific. Started with the horizontal row of three, then added a few more for details that I didn't entirely get.

So there's me, all chronic fatiguey. Then it shows struggle, but when I went looking for deets about what this struggle was, it showed a leaning more towards the idea of beliefs and ideas important enough to fight for. Or beliefs that *cause* strife b/c they're that strong. Then it shows one stealing away from the present situation. When I wanted more deets (from what? why?) I just got more indications to escape. But one indicates escaping from strife, the other shows how one needs to have faith (moar belief) to take things one step at a time and the road will make itself, or at least make itself clear once one starts walking.

So... this week I'll have some opportunity to get away from what I believe is hurting me or holding me back. Or the thing holding me back will become more apparent, and I'll be making my own opportunity to get away.

This weekend I've been thinking about whether my strong focus on health issues is making them worse (just now? always? ugh who knows), and if what I really need is distractions more than answers right now. (Which wolf is stronger? The one you feed :-P) So if there are things to attend, and my tummy is being cranky, I just need to slam some otc stuff and go anyway.

So for going out this week: IAF is tomorrow, that's a definite. Cam Club on Saturday. And maybe Sci Fi on Thursday or a friend's craft night on Friday (except that she has dogs, and my sinuses are still sensitive, ugh I suck). In a pinch, there's improv on Wednesday, but with Mon and Tues both being late nights I should probably take that one off. Next weekend should be Browncoats, tho still iffy about hanging out in a restaurant where I probably can't eat anything. But I miss geekends and want more of them.

<3 Chrysilla

Crossposted from Dreamwidth, http://chrysilla.dreamwidth.org/

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